Quitter (and I Know It!)

Hello friends!

Well, last week I took the plunge and made my blog "public", by sharing it on facebook. I was extremely nervous and anxious about this. I had shared my posts with a few friends, but I lack the self-promotion gene that makes one want to publicize one's writings far and wide... I will have to get over this if I want to build any kind of platform for the book I'm writing, and the website I'm contemplating! I finally took a deep breath, said, "screw it, I'm going public!" and here we are!

I was truly overwhelmed by the amount of love and support I felt as people read my words and responded to them. Within 24 hours, I had messages from two people I didn't even know, which meant that people were sharing my posts! My husband commented that I was "touching strangers" until I pointed out how inappropriate that sounded.

It's not just shyness that inhibited me from sharing these posts, and my story, earlier. There is an ingrained thinking in the medical profession (shared by many professions, I am sure, but I think it may be particularly strong in medicine) that one simply doesn't quit. And that's exactly what I did. I walked away. I am a quitter, and I have embraced that as a good thing.

It wasn't always so.

I was taught from early childhood that if you commit to something, you follow through on that commitment. This extended to everything in my life. I was/am incapable of putting a book down half-read - even if I'm not enjoying it, I feel obligated to finish what I started. Besides, what if it gets better and I miss it? By the same token, I will fast-forward through a terrible movie rather than turn it off after the first five miserable minutes (one does not have this option in the theatre – I have yet to muster the courage to actually walk out of an abysmal movie or play). This sense of obligation was one thing, but I think my bigger fear was this: what if someone calls me a quitter? And what if they are right? What does that say about me?

And so I took this soldier-on-no-matter-what attitude and marched with it through my life. I took it through medical school, then residency as I grew more and more miserable. Still, it never occurred to me that I could leave. What if it got better and I missed it?

I was indoctrinated (get it?) that I was on the only path; the only option was to continue. And indeed, I questioned people who got off the path. I just couldn’t relate or understand when a couple of my classmates left medical school after only a few weeks. Now, I get it - they were honoring themselves, their truth. They were wise to not put themselves through something that wasn’t right for them, but I didn’t understand it. It was not my truth at that time. I judged, I'll admit it - you started something, how could you not follow through and finish it? I also heard stories of people that dropped out of residencies, or almost finished residencies, or did finish but never practiced medicine. Why? Why would you put yourself through this torture, but not follow through? I just couldn’t get my mind around that.

I was in denial. I rejected others' choices because I wasn't ready to really think about what those choices meant. I wasn't ready to examine the possibility that I, too, was unhappy. On a deeper level, I believed I deserved to be unhappy, but at the time I was not conscious of that thought process. As long as I was in denial about my unhappiness, I could remain unconscious. I could accept the hours and stress as part of the bargain. I could refuse to take a look inside myself to see what was actually there. I could bury my emotions so deep I wouldn’t even know they were there. Learning to identify those emotions, to feel them instead of numbing them has been a long and difficult challenge - worthy of a post (or a book!) all its own.

Once I knew I was unhappy and this was not just a passing phase of burnout, I spent a couple of years trying to figure out whether I could make a change within the same career – after all, I’d spent thousands of hours and dollars to get where I was. I wasn’t about to quit. What I finally realized, however, was that quitting was exactly what I needed to do. I rolled the word around in my head “QUITTER”, until the sharp edges were worn off, the stigma washed away, and I was left with the concept itself. Quitting was not good or bad, if I didn’t attach those words to it. It just was. Leaving something. Stopping. I realized that quitting was the best thing I could do for myself – in fact, it was necessary. I would never become the person I was meant to be, I would never be happy until I QUIT. Until I got off the treadmill, stepped off the merry-go-round to catch my breath, I could never see my way to the right direction. I wasn’t able to see anything else while I was plowing ahead on the path I’d set for myself. Once I quit, I was able to take a deep breath and look around me. I was able to see all the wonderful things by the side of the path, and miles off the path, that I’d been missing. I was able to find myself.

When I made the decision to leave my job, the only (out-loud) naysayers I encountered were in the medical field. I'm sure there were and are many silent judgers, but only other medical people seemed truly baffled by my abandonment of our shared career. Every one of the people in other areas of my life were very supportive of the decision. Indeed, they were amazed I managed to work those hours in the first place. They were perplexed as to why the people we expect to heal and help us are chronically overworked and sleep deprived. Thats not to say that people weren't surprised by my decision, but no-one called me crazy (to my face, anyway). My decision has been justified every other month in book club. These people who only see me six times per year invariably remark at each meeting that I look healthier and happier than they've ever seen me.

When I discussed jobs, careers, and vocations I stated that medicine is truly a calling. I believe this with all my heart. It just wasn’t my calling, and so I was miserable. Now I am looking around at this bright, beautiful world, and proudly declaring myself a Quitter.