As the gorgeous fall leaves fall from the trees and every other person on Facebook seems to be posting daily "I am grateful for..." lists, I have been thinking a lot about gratitude and its sort-of cousin, gratification. I've been meaning to write on the topic of delayed gratification for quite some time, and this month of gratitude seems as good a time as any!
Physicians are experts at delayed gratification. Really, anyone who is a Type A, workaholic, good student, etc has to be. Studying now rather than going out to the movies - making a sacrifice that will pay off in the long-term - is what delayed gratification is all about. The understanding is that you are giving things up, but the rewards will be worth it. And delayed gratification serves a purpose. Waiting until the weekend to eat that ice cream provides motivation to eat healthy during the week. Claiming that diploma at the end of 4 years of hard work, whether it's high school, college, or medical school, is the gratification payback for all the sacrifices that have been made (emotional, financial, personal, etc).
"I'll be happy once I read all these books!"
But what if you get there, to the place of "gratification," and it isn't what you thought it was going to be? The ice cream is that gross low-carb stuff, or you find yourself utterly uninterested in pursuing the work that your diploma prepared you for. Does that mean you made those sacrifices for nothing? I don't think so at all. I may have spent 12 years of my life getting to where I was, only to find that I was not happy. I may have gotten to the point where I was finally making enough money to pay off my loans and my mortgage and take nice vacations, only to jump into the financial insecurity of freelance work (something I NEVER thought I would do, mind you... a topic for another time). But that doesn't mean those 12 years were wasted. It doesn't mean I'm not using my medical education. And even if I weren't using that hard-earned education - even if I were slinging coffee in a diner somewhere - those 12 years would still have been worth it. Those years were a journey, and there were lessons to be learned along the way. Although you couldn't have convinced my goal-oriented Type A self of that at the time... (nothing against coffee-slingers, by the way! I've been there too)
College to some degree, and medical school to the nth degree, were all about chasing the next exam, preparing for the next hoop to jump through, all the while thinking that I would be happy when that next thing was accomplished. "I can catch up on my sleep once finals are over." "I can relax once I've passed the boards." "I'll be happy once I finally move back to the Northwest." (OK, that last one was true!) But there's always something else. There's always another exam, another hoop. It took me almost 40 years, but I finally figured out that I was missing something by putting on the blinders and plowing ahead toward my goals. It's tempting to think of those years as wasted. In terms of personal growth, I certainly missed out on time I could have been using to figure myself out. But maybe I worked so hard BECAUSE I wasn't ready to go on that journey yet. So I took a different journey.
Who knows what my life would be like right now, or what I myself would be like right now, if I hadn't had those experiences, good and bad. Maybe I would be happier, maybe not. Maybe I would have skipped living in some places I really didn't enjoy. But then again, maybe I always would have kicked myself for not going to medical school. Maybe I would have met my life partner 10 years ago... or maybe I never would have found him if I hadn't waited to move to my current city until we were both ready for each-other.
It was just over a year ago that I quit my job and began my journey into finding fulfillment in both my personal and professional lives. I think back to this time last year. The leaves were falling from the trees. The gorgeous sunny days were beginning to have a little nip to them. I was spending a lot of time on the couch, alone at the house, decompressing from 12 years of chasing down the wrong path, pursuing the wrong dream ( nightmare?). It was several months before I began to look for work, not really knowing where I was headed. I'm still not sure where I will end up, but I am busy and feeling productive. For that, I am grateful. I delayed the gratification of my life for 12 years, and now I am grateful for all of the experiences that have led me to this place. I am grateful for my supportive husband who knows what it is like to pursue one's calling without much of a safety net. I am grateful for those beautiful falling leaves. But I am still delaying gratification... I tell myself I will be happy when I am earning enough that I can stop drawing on my savings, when I won't have to work every day of the week, when my husband and I can afford "real" vacations again. But at least I know now that's what I'm doing. And I remind myself that delaying gratification is fine, as long as I'm taking the time for gratitude right now.
So I will take a moment to be happy, no matter what else is going on. In this month of giving thanks, I am most grateful that this big, beautiful universe has supported me in my leap. And now, I just may go jump into a pile of leaves!
