I have never been comfortable promoting myself. When I was in medical school, I would describe myself as "just" a medical student. That "just" seemed to take some responsibility off my shoulders, and it allowed me to keep telling myself the story that I was worth less than other people. Once I was a physician, in residency and beyond, you really had to pry it out of me that I had MD after my name. If someone asked me where I worked, I would reply, "in a hospital," which was usually followed by the question, "oh, are you a nurse?" and the questioner's embarrassed justification when I finally revealed, "no, actually, I'm a physician." Part of me took a perverse pleasure in exposing the inherent sexism in the question, and part of me cringed at being "exposed" as a doctor (see, Why Doctors Suck). I always wanted to distance myself from the stereotype of physicians as arrogant, entitled jackasses, and part of me was reluctant to claim the credit for years of hard work and financial, personal, and emotional sacrifice. I didn't want to be perceived as "bragging" or to have an inflated sense of my own worth, but I went too far in the other direction, downplaying my intelligence, drive, persistence, and personal value.
I am currently at a conference of medical writers and editors, where I attended a workshop on marketing. This is basically anathema to a person who grew up downplaying her abilities and achievements. It has taken me a long time to learn that there is a big difference between "bragging" and owning my own worth, both as a highly educated individual who deserves recognition and compensation for her hard work, and as a human being who deserves love and happiness. I had to learn the difference between confidence and arrogance, and that it was okay to be confident. Nobody was going to smack me down for
Let's practice a little.... People will want to hire me. People will want to hang out with me, even though I may think I'm boring and dull, with nothing to say. Okay, hang on... despite this negative self-talk creeping in, I do have people in my life that like me, love me, and even people who want to spend time with me and to hear what I have to say.
My marketing instructor made a comment that I am SO SICK of hearing, but also that I probably need to keep hearing. I complained that I am working for companies that don't pay very well, certainly for someone with an advanced degree. He told me that these companies will only pay me low rates if I let them. Grrr... I get so frustrated, because if I'm not working for these companies (who were willing to take a chance on an inexperienced editor), then I'm not working, and I'm out on the street because I can't pay my mortgage. The people who make comments like, "they'll only pay you those rates if you let them!" don't seem to take into account that this may have been (or seemed like) the only option at the time, and crappy pay is better than no pay.
But I do recognize that I need to step back from that personal, emotional response and hear what people are actually trying to say (sorry, instructor, for bursting into tears at the break). You are worth more than this. Your degree and your experience are worth more than this. Your personality, your soul, your self is worth something. To quote The Help, "I is smart, I is special, I is loved."
And that is worth something.
Promoting myself as someone people will want to hire, and to pay well, is a challenge. It requires not selling myself short. How's this for an editing and self-promotion slogan:
I'm here! I'm clear! Get used to it!
