Meditation for dummies

I'd like to introduce a little variety into this blog.  While I have heaps more to say on the topic of leaving medicine, I think I'd like to throw in some self-helpy, woo-woo topics here and there.

First self-helpy topic:  Meditation. 

Now don't run away scared.  I am by no means an expert in meditaiton, or even a good meditator.  I am, in fact, rather terrible at it!  And that has everything to do with my re-evaluation of my life path.  How can being a crappy meditator help me in finding my purpose, my inner self?  Read on...

For years, I avoided mediatation like the plague.  Just sitting quietly with no book in my hand?  What a waste of a reading opportunity!  Thank you, I'll pass.  Eventually, I did become interested in the possibility of quieting my mile-a-minute mind, and started to ask people about meditation.  Each and every one, including my beloved husband, was absolutely unhelpful.  One person told me to sit in front of a flower and "focus on the flower."  What the heck does that even mean?  Another told me to focus on the emptyness between thoughts.  Huh?

I would start to read about meditation, and give up.  I was convinced I'd never be able to do it.  Convinced that my mind was too jumpy, too full of thoughts, to ever find a still place within.   What I didn't get yet was that I was not unique.  EVERYONE's mind jumps around, particularly when we try to quiet our thoughts. 

The very act of sitting quietly makes the mind act up - hey, pay attention to me!  It's not a failure, it's normal! 

I took a class from a local spiritual center, and for the first time, had someone explain to me a technique that I could understand.  There are tons of different meditation techniques out there so I won't go on and on about the details, but suffice it to say that I finally felt that I understood (sort of) what everyone had been trying to explain to me for so many years.  I could actually meditate - in class, anyway.  Sort of.  Once I came home and tried to sit quietly, however, all of my grocery lists, things to-do, places to go, what was on television last night, what time I have to get up in the morning, who got kicked off Dancing with the Stars.... all of that kicked in and there was no inner light or peace to be found.

Every time I tried, I would be distracted by runaway thoughts after about 1.5 seconds.  Or I would fall asleep. Or both. I was advised to gently acknowledge that I was having a thought, let it float away on a river, and bring my mind back to focus, to stillness.  The only problem was that I wouldn't realize I had wandered until I had been wandering for at least 10 minutes, or until I woke up in the morning (perhaps meditating lying down was a mistake...) 

The challenge for me was in adjusting my approach. I felt that this constant mind-wandering, this inability to shut down my thoughts, constituted a failure.  I was no good at meditation and I never would be.  Finally, someone pointed out to me the connection between this attitude and my type-A, goal-oriented approach to life.  That approach is necessary to make it through medical school and residency and a career as a physician, when there's always one more hoop to jump through, one more exam to pass.  That approach is the absolute opposite of what is needed for meditation, or any work on your inner self.  For the first time in my life, I had met something that could not be "achieved" or "accomplished."  I was looking at meditation as something to "do," and that when I got "good at it," it would be effortless.  I would have conquered it.  I had to adjust my worldview here, and learn to value the experience, not the goal. 

No prize to be won?  No exam to pass?  What kind of malarkey is this?  Very important malarkey, as it turns out.  I am still trying.  Sometimes I try to meditate every day, sometimes days or weeks go by between attempts.  It still feels foreign to me to just experience whatever comes up whenever I try.  There is no accomplishment here.  I don't suddenly "achieve" inner peace, or self-esteem, or any of those things I've been "working on."  The journey is the important thing.  A cliche perhaps, but cliches exist for a reason.  As long as I was focusing on the destination, I was defining myself as a failure.  I am trying to re-learn my approach to life, to approach it as a journey and to be mindful of the experiences along the way.  So even if my mind wanders after 1.5 seconds, that is part of the experience.  I can acknowledge that and try to just be...

We'll see how it goes!  As a mentor of mine has said, "don't worry, your old way of thinking will take you back if you change your mind."  That can be a topic for another time:  the scary unknown versus the unhappy known...  For now, I leave you with this lovely image...  Just be...

photo credits:  Chris Quinn