photo: Wickpedia. The Scream by Edvard MunchI think it's a common human experience... We overcome fear in order to take steps toward happiness, then all of a sudden, fear rears its head again. "I thought I was over you," we say. "Nope," fear replies, "I'm always here, waiting for you".
There are many types of fear, but the one I've been dealing with, in many areas of my life, is fear of success. It sounds bizarre, but fear of success is a very real, albeit oddly self-defeating, entity. I thought I had dealt with the fear when I made the decision to leave my career and embark in a new direction. Naturally, there are day-to-day fears (financial being the number-one when one leaves a physician's salary but still has a physician's mortgage). Those are normal, healthy fears. It keeps us safe to be afraid of disease, ax-murderers, and telemarketers. But fear of success? How is that helpful?
Our minds, those whirling, busy maelstroms of thought, really resist change. Even if the status-quo is painful and hurtful, at least it is a known quantity, and our minds will always choose the known over the scary unknown. Unless we set the intention that we are going to try something new. Even then, the mind balks. "What do you mean, something new?" it cries. "We don't want new!" If you've ever wondered why people don't leave abusive relationships, why people lose (or gain) weight only to relapse to their former selves once they're achieved their goals, this fear of change has everything to do with it. We'd always rather fight the battle we know, than take on a new one and have to change the way we see ourselves. Even if we see ourselves as helpless, fat, ugly, weak, or any of the other perjoratives we hurl inward, at least these are known battles to us. If we shift our worldview, our perception of ourselves in that world must shift and the mind recoils. You'd think the mind would want to feel better - isn't it "better" to think of oneself as beautiful rather than ugly? But if "beautiful" requires the mind to reset its go-to patterns, it will resist mightily. It will think of (and shout at you) every possible reason that the new view cannot be true. It can take a herculean effort to reset those automatic thoughts.
This is fear of success, in a nutshell. I've mentioned that I'm writing a book, and using this blog to explore some ideas and concepts for that book. You'd think I'd want the book to be successful, and for this blog to become a worldwide phenomenon, right? Apparently not! Success opens one up to criticism, which is always scary. And so, as I thought about what to write next, I got overwhelmed with the magnitude of the project and just shut down. Ideas dried up. I found other things to do with my time (not difficult when one is a master procrastinator!)
How does one overcome this fear? With faith. It can be faith in a higher power or the support of the universe. It can be faith that one's self-preservation instinct will not let one make a deadly mistake. It can be faith that you can take whatever criticism (or praise) that comes your way and keep your self-esteem intact. Faith that people (or even just one person) will like what you have to say, will get something out of it. Faith that there is a happier version of you, just waiting for you to take that leap, make that change.
It's not called a Leap of Faith for nothing. You just have to jump, without knowing where the safety net is, or if one even exists. The fear will always be there, waiting for you. The fear will always take you back if the leap of faith doesn't work out... but what if it does? What if?
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